Friday, May 08, 2009

What's Happening To Me?

It's been rainy this past few day. It's cold and I can feel the wind as I go to our balcony. I was staring at the river (which is just at the beck of our house), looking at its ironically stagnant waves. I can see kangkong plants on the riverbanks and the harvesters sailing by them with their improvised boats. But that's not what's playing on my mind right now.

Every now and then, I'm trying to escape reality by thinking a lot of things. Usually, I'm thinking that I'm my own self-made character: Aerol Celeste. I'm always fabricating this things on my mind that I'm an aerokinetic and with a bunch of my friends, usually the pyrokinetic, cryokinetic, and electrokinetic, I always think that I'm saving the people very distant to me and hoping that they would recognize me.

That's the center of it: attention. It's something I always demand before. Maybe until today, but I don't really have that violent surges lately. It's not the attention that you think o that I wanted to be on top, or popular, or something but somehow I want those who touched my lives (crushes included) that I exist.

I've done very harsh things lately (but not violent) I just don't know why I'm doing those things. Probably I have an alternate personality, but no. It's all me. I've deleted those people from my contacts: those people whom I've felt the pain. I don't even know what the pain is. But the solution that I've always been thinking is to avoid, avoid, avoid.

I think I'm suffering from a very severe mental disease. Maybe insanity. Because what I always do is to act something without even thinking then lately, after realizing, I'll go apologize. Yes, I'm doing it again. That's what's hard with me: I can't even speak to myself and to those people.

I remember my dream this past few days. I have two dreams, both of my first love. The "stories" were different but the theme's the same: that person's avoiding me. Although I remember calling out to my first love, I'm still ignored. It's like this all the time: I don't want to feel embarrassed or rejected but it's always happening. The worse part is: I've generalized it to all people.

Now my insanity's striking me again, I'll be talking perhaps to a few people. Again. I don't know. Yeah, maybe I'm insane since they're the same set of people I've talk to last time I had this drama.

No comments: