Sunday, May 31, 2009


Parties... I rarely attend this things. Most probably because I really can't live the life of a party. For me, it's mostly food... and alcohol... and dancing.

A reunion/birthday party happened yesterday. The two celebrants were from my grandfather's generation. The other one's older, even. Yes, there were lots of food, and iced tea from that cute fountain/punch bowl. And there was music.

The music was probably swing or cha cha cha. (Yes, it's really called cha cha cha, but people are now calling it as cha cha) My feet were stomping. The DI of the sister-in-law of my grandfather was there, dancing with the "oldies". Out of nowhere, I pulled my sister and I taught her a lot of moves that I learned from my PE class. Our feet hurts but we had fun. That's the first party that I danced.

I stuffed myself with lots of food, I helped myself at least thrice. At the later portions, bottles of beer came out. I got one for myself and finished it. After that, I got tipsy. I don't know why. But I was sure by that time that my alcohol tolerance lowered. Yes, I know what I was doing: silly, childish movements.

The next day there was another food-fest. The same food were served. More drinks came out: there was champagne (I drank 2 glasses), apple cider (I didn't like that), and the ethereal Chivas Regal (I drank 1 glass). I never knew the latter is one heck of a hard drink I had a hard time finishing it.

Somehow, I did not become drunk by that time. I don't know why. Those drinks, I think, have higher alcohol content than the beer I drank (the light variant). At times, I wanted to become really drunk (with blackouts) but I just can't achieve that. Or probably, I know what I'm doing whenever I'm drunk?

Monday, May 18, 2009

The Broken Ribs of Wrath

Whenever we're possessed by wrath, our eyes see nothing but darkness. Anger swirls around our hearts. We can't think of nothing but to somehow take vengeance on what made us angry. And with this, unfortunate things happen.

It was that rainy, fateful Wednesday when my mom and my sis went to my grandma's house to stay the afternoon there with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. My mom called me and she told me to take out the spaghetti she cooked from our ref and wait for my uncle downstairs. She said that my uncle is already on the motorcycle on the way here to pick that up, which means that I have to hurry. The time it takes from there to here on a motorcycle is less than a minute. Yet I waited for more than 10 minutes. I hate the fact that she instructed me to hurry and wait for a slowpoke for eternity.

At last I heard the blessed motorcycle. I came down with feelings of annoyance. I passed the spaghetti to him, still angry. What happened next is way off and unpredictable.

I was to go up again. I am about to make my first step on the stairs when I suddenly slipped, butt first. What's unfortunate is that my left rib hit the edge of the step of the stairs. I was wailing in pain, all wet due to the terrace's wet floor. I limply went up and called my brother while he think that everything happened to me was a big joke. I tried to gasp for air for no avail. I soundlessly asked water from my brother. As he gave it to me, he's asking me if I was okay while he was laughing.

Yes I know it was stupid of me to let such stupidity to happen. When my mother learned about it she insisted that I was in a hurry to go back upstairs so the accident happened, to which I objected. I told her that I was blinded by fury that time so that I slipped on the wet, algae-grown floor. To add salt to the wounds, she's asking the obvious by blatantly telling me if it was my uncle or I who was injured by the incident.

Until now, it still hurts but not really that much. I just cringe in pain every time I change positions while I lay down. The pain reminded me not just to be careful every time I walk, but to at least temper that flaming fury every time I'm angry.

Friday, May 08, 2009

What's Happening To Me?

It's been rainy this past few day. It's cold and I can feel the wind as I go to our balcony. I was staring at the river (which is just at the beck of our house), looking at its ironically stagnant waves. I can see kangkong plants on the riverbanks and the harvesters sailing by them with their improvised boats. But that's not what's playing on my mind right now.

Every now and then, I'm trying to escape reality by thinking a lot of things. Usually, I'm thinking that I'm my own self-made character: Aerol Celeste. I'm always fabricating this things on my mind that I'm an aerokinetic and with a bunch of my friends, usually the pyrokinetic, cryokinetic, and electrokinetic, I always think that I'm saving the people very distant to me and hoping that they would recognize me.

That's the center of it: attention. It's something I always demand before. Maybe until today, but I don't really have that violent surges lately. It's not the attention that you think o that I wanted to be on top, or popular, or something but somehow I want those who touched my lives (crushes included) that I exist.

I've done very harsh things lately (but not violent) I just don't know why I'm doing those things. Probably I have an alternate personality, but no. It's all me. I've deleted those people from my contacts: those people whom I've felt the pain. I don't even know what the pain is. But the solution that I've always been thinking is to avoid, avoid, avoid.

I think I'm suffering from a very severe mental disease. Maybe insanity. Because what I always do is to act something without even thinking then lately, after realizing, I'll go apologize. Yes, I'm doing it again. That's what's hard with me: I can't even speak to myself and to those people.

I remember my dream this past few days. I have two dreams, both of my first love. The "stories" were different but the theme's the same: that person's avoiding me. Although I remember calling out to my first love, I'm still ignored. It's like this all the time: I don't want to feel embarrassed or rejected but it's always happening. The worse part is: I've generalized it to all people.

Now my insanity's striking me again, I'll be talking perhaps to a few people. Again. I don't know. Yeah, maybe I'm insane since they're the same set of people I've talk to last time I had this drama.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Oops! Strike! I Did It Again.

Remember when 2009 opened and I was publishing my weekly life here on my blog with titles on what week of the year was it and a subtitle supporting my entry? Well, due to my idleness, once again, I called that to a halt. Well, I'm really annoying so I'm asking for your apology.

Well, this is the first summer in my college life that I did not enroll in any summer class. My mom finds it sort of a waste of money. I grabbed that chance to hopefully do something fruitful academically but I'm failing big time.

Now I'm entering the Fourth Year of my college life, but not my last. No, I haven't failed any of my subjects. It's that... I still have plans. Yes, taking up a Master's degree. Somehow I had a mixture of anxiety and excitement because graduation time is coming near. But it's next year anyway but being on the last year of my undergraduate life.... it's just giving me the jitters. :)